surskitty (surskitty) wrote,

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First Message in Ages

[originally sent to a friend IRL, so don't be surprised if it doesn't entirely make sense.]
I try to be a good friend, but I'm not very good at returning stuff, or being assertive when I'm trying to help. I *want* to help. I really do. But it seems like you don't give me a chance.... That's part of why I've been depressed.... I need to be helpful sometimes, but it seems like whenever I can and try to help, people refuse it... Then I don't feel like trying to help later, or getting the knowledge so I can help, because I feel like I'll be rejected again....
The whole thing about me usually knowing someone who can help is all because I feel so... useless... most of the time, and want to be of use... So I end up with a bunch of people I can contact but am usually not able to do it myself because I spend my time trying to meet people who can. So I end up useless once again and so on...
I *want* to be able to help with something... I just usually need some direction from someone else to figure out what I'm supposed to do and how to do it. Otherwise, I turn inward, look at it, get confused, and stop.

If you remember that [cut because it's irrelevent to everyone here]. You made it seem like I wasn't even trying. Yes, I did bomb the layout, but I wasn't trying to just leech off of you the whole time. You just seemed to get right on it and then I couldn't figure out what the quark I could do. If someone else takes charge, I need direction. I rarely manage to show any initiative whenever someone else is directing whatever it is. And every little criticizing comment that isn't offset with some praise or distance in the way one says it just brings me one step further into my decline into depression. I'm trying to get better, but I need some support, too....
And I don't mean support that sounds fake. That just makes me feel worse, like you're just feigning. I don't get enough sincere-sounding thanks for the all-too-intentional criticism.

Oh, mom? Stop referring to me as "it" in your speech, and please stop interrupting me on a regular basis. You just make me feel more and more insignificant when you do that.
Tags: these wounds they will not heal
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